That is the question. And it is, unsurprisingly, what everyone experiencing the excrutiating 'two week wait' asks themselves every day.
Every single niggle or cramp makes you think, on a rotational basis, that you are either immediately due your period or that you are pregnant. But which is it?
Over the past ten days, I have experienced slight pain, cramping, bloating, excessive tiredness and, most recently, nausea. All signs of a pregnancy, you scream! Yes, but also signs of your period... its a cruel twist that the exact symptoms you so long for can indeed be your regular monthly visitor.
But, I have to say, I have been SHATTERED this week. So much so that I have had to go home from work early on two occasions. I have also felt nauseous and dehydrated, despite drinking nearly 3 litres of water a day (which, by the way, adds to the tiredness by getting me up in the middle of the night to pee).
Last night I had the most vivid dream that I was pregnant, with twins no less, and that I was panicking about where we would live. I woke up, panicking about where we would live if we had twins and, rather ill advisedly, decided to take a quick pregnancy test (naturally, I have about 10 to hand).
After peeing on the stick I staggered back to bed, clutching said stick, ready for another half an hours doze before getting up. I was not particularly bothered by the result, as a 'Not Pregnant' result could also mean it was too early to tell.
A few minutes later I glanced over at the small digital screen only to see the million dollar words 'Pregnant 1-2 weeks'. I couldn't believe it. I had to wake up my wife and show her the screen (which she couldn't see anyway, without her glasses on) before it became real. But there it was... what we had hoped and dreamed for... and it seems, frighteningly, too good to be true.
An even bigger wait begins now. I have to wait to miss my period and pray that this isn't just a chemical pregnancy (basically resulting in an early miscarriage) and then, if that goes well, we have to wait the eternal 3 months before telling the world our good news (telling you doesn't count).
How on EARTH is it possible to keep this quiet!?
Wednesday, 21 July 2010
Monday, 12 July 2010
The Waiting Game
Friday afternoon I did another ovulation test and it showed the lovely smiling face to denote a recent LH surge. This meant only one thing; Show Time.
I phoned the clinic and informed them that I had ovulated so that they could change my Saturday morning scan to an IUI. I was due in at 10am.
Friday night was an unbearable wait. My wife and I relaxed, as best we both could, with a movie and some good food. I even allowed myself a glass of wine, in the hope that it might be my last for several months.
We drove to the clinic on Saturday, mainly because we were due at my Mother's house on the South Coast for lunch and were unlikely to make it if we took the train (as it was the traffic out of London was so bad, we were only just in time and my blood pressure was no doubt far too high). Driving also meant I could sit down straight afterwards and not move for a couple of hours - though, as previously mentioned, in London traffic this does not necessarily mean you are relaxed.
The clinic was surprisingly busy for a Saturday but we were eventually shown into the medical room at around 10.15. After confirming the donor sample was correct and signing documents to prove I understood the procedure, the doctor performed the IUI in less than 5 minutes. It is no more painful than a smear and takes no more time. I was allowed to rest a few moments and then we were good to go; pregnancy test in hand and good luck wishes from the nurses.
And then the waiting game begins. I have to wait 16 days (14 from today) before I can take a pregnancy test to find out if we have been successful in our first attempt. We are trying to stay positive but realistic. It is easy to get excited but we must remember the odds are less than one in four.
All I can do now is drinks litres of water every day, avoid alcohol and caffeine and take it easy for 14 more days. And counting.
I phoned the clinic and informed them that I had ovulated so that they could change my Saturday morning scan to an IUI. I was due in at 10am.
Friday night was an unbearable wait. My wife and I relaxed, as best we both could, with a movie and some good food. I even allowed myself a glass of wine, in the hope that it might be my last for several months.
We drove to the clinic on Saturday, mainly because we were due at my Mother's house on the South Coast for lunch and were unlikely to make it if we took the train (as it was the traffic out of London was so bad, we were only just in time and my blood pressure was no doubt far too high). Driving also meant I could sit down straight afterwards and not move for a couple of hours - though, as previously mentioned, in London traffic this does not necessarily mean you are relaxed.
The clinic was surprisingly busy for a Saturday but we were eventually shown into the medical room at around 10.15. After confirming the donor sample was correct and signing documents to prove I understood the procedure, the doctor performed the IUI in less than 5 minutes. It is no more painful than a smear and takes no more time. I was allowed to rest a few moments and then we were good to go; pregnancy test in hand and good luck wishes from the nurses.
And then the waiting game begins. I have to wait 16 days (14 from today) before I can take a pregnancy test to find out if we have been successful in our first attempt. We are trying to stay positive but realistic. It is easy to get excited but we must remember the odds are less than one in four.
All I can do now is drinks litres of water every day, avoid alcohol and caffeine and take it easy for 14 more days. And counting.
Friday, 9 July 2010
Getting closer
So yesterday couldn't have gone better. The scan showed 3 folicles growing, two of which should reach maturity very soon. I am still none the wiser from looking at the ultra sounds but the nurses get mighty excited by the little dots on the screen, I can tell you.
It's a bit of a waiting game now. I peed on a stick this morning to check whether I had ovulated (I hadn't) and will check again tomorrow morning. I also need to give myself a final Gonal-F injection tonight, just to boost everything along nicely.
Tomorrow is day 12 for my cycle. For the past 6 months I have ovulated on day 12 (I am literally Miss Average) so I am pretty hopeful that tomorrow will be no different. If that happens I will then have the IUI at 08.45 tomorrow morning! I Can't tell you how exciting that is. It seems as though it has taken forever to get to this point.
The hardest thing, now, is to remain calm and reflective about it all. I have to remember, despite the nurse's exclamations about how wonderful my folicles, tubes and womb lining are, that the chances of this happening for me first time is less than one in four. Which are pretty crappy odds in the cold light of day.
I'm keeping fingers (and legs) crossed from now on...
It's a bit of a waiting game now. I peed on a stick this morning to check whether I had ovulated (I hadn't) and will check again tomorrow morning. I also need to give myself a final Gonal-F injection tonight, just to boost everything along nicely.
Tomorrow is day 12 for my cycle. For the past 6 months I have ovulated on day 12 (I am literally Miss Average) so I am pretty hopeful that tomorrow will be no different. If that happens I will then have the IUI at 08.45 tomorrow morning! I Can't tell you how exciting that is. It seems as though it has taken forever to get to this point.
The hardest thing, now, is to remain calm and reflective about it all. I have to remember, despite the nurse's exclamations about how wonderful my folicles, tubes and womb lining are, that the chances of this happening for me first time is less than one in four. Which are pretty crappy odds in the cold light of day.
I'm keeping fingers (and legs) crossed from now on...
Thursday, 8 July 2010
Scan 2
My return scan is today and, I have to say, it couldn't have come quick enough. I'm now starting to feel a little discomfort around the stomach area so I'll be glad to get everything checked out and see what is happening.
Really hoping they will find that I am on track for insemination next week....
On the plus side, you'll be pleased to know I managed to stop being a wimp last night and injected myself for the first time. I pretty much had to, my partner had been out drinking all night and I was the only sober one in the house - it was me or the dog!
Really hoping they will find that I am on track for insemination next week....
On the plus side, you'll be pleased to know I managed to stop being a wimp last night and injected myself for the first time. I pretty much had to, my partner had been out drinking all night and I was the only sober one in the house - it was me or the dog!
Monday, 5 July 2010
And another thing...
Some other sites I have found that could be useful to those starting out.
Legal issues:
http://www.cgfamilylaw.co.uk/children-same-sex-parenting/42/index.html
Alternative methods of starting a family:
http://www.co-parents.net/indexeng.php?lang=english
For the Aussies amongst you:
http://raisingchildren.net.au/articles/parenting_in_a_same-sex_relationship.html
For the undecided:
http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn6670-lesbian-couples-raise-welladjusted-teenagers.html
For getting your body in shape:
http://www.fertilefoods.com/healthy-pregnancy/pregnancy/basic-pre-conception-health-habits-for-women/
There are also plenty of message boards out there where you can share your experiences. If you're a fan of sharing and caring, try:
http://www.gingerbeer.co.uk/
http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/
Another injection tonight - joy. As a side note, I have noticed I've been getting headaches every day but, again, I'm not sure if this has anything to do with the extra hormones or whether it is to do with this glorious heat-wave. I'll ask the nurse on Thursday and report back (about the headaches, obviously, I'm not sure she'll be able to tell me anything about the weather).
You'd think the recommended two litres of water a day would prevent headaches but all that seems to do is make me pee every half an hour. And on that note...
Legal issues:
http://www.cgfamilylaw.co.uk/children-same-sex-parenting/42/index.html
Alternative methods of starting a family:
http://www.co-parents.net/indexeng.php?lang=english
For the Aussies amongst you:
http://raisingchildren.net.au/articles/parenting_in_a_same-sex_relationship.html
For the undecided:
http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn6670-lesbian-couples-raise-welladjusted-teenagers.html
For getting your body in shape:
http://www.fertilefoods.com/healthy-pregnancy/pregnancy/basic-pre-conception-health-habits-for-women/
There are also plenty of message boards out there where you can share your experiences. If you're a fan of sharing and caring, try:
http://www.gingerbeer.co.uk/
http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/
Another injection tonight - joy. As a side note, I have noticed I've been getting headaches every day but, again, I'm not sure if this has anything to do with the extra hormones or whether it is to do with this glorious heat-wave. I'll ask the nurse on Thursday and report back (about the headaches, obviously, I'm not sure she'll be able to tell me anything about the weather).
You'd think the recommended two litres of water a day would prevent headaches but all that seems to do is make me pee every half an hour. And on that note...
Cheaper Options...
I'm still injecting Gonal F every other day and have so far not had any side-effects. I feel super tired but that is probably just after having had a hectic weekend, rather than anything to do with the hormones!
Yes, I am still being a complete wimp about injecting myself - despite it being a really easy to use injector-pen, I just can't seem to bring myself to do it. Most people find it very easy, I am told, so it is obviously just me.
I mentioned in a previous note about the costs of this process. It is no small sum, let me tell you, and for some of us it takes a long time to save up only to end in heartache. Each of my Assisted IUI attempts will cost a little over £2000 all in. That includes sperm which is a giant £850 of the total amount.
That in mind, I know some people have found different routes to enable them to have a child. There is no funding for same-sex couples on the NHS, at least not in my area, so people are forced to get creative if they cannot afford to go private.
One website (see link below) offers you a safe and secure way of finding your own sperm donor with just a fraction of the cost. There is a small sign-up fee, then a small monthly fee, but it enables you to search the databases and find donors who are willing to come to your area (usually meeting in a hotel) and donate 'on the spot' so that you are able to artificially inseminate at your optimum time.
Now, this is obviously not going to be for everyone but this does make it possible to have a number of attempts at around 10% of the cost it would take to go private. No wonder so many people, heterosexual couples and gay couples alike, are taking their fertility into their own hands and opting for this service.
If this is something that interests you, however, PLEASE make sure you follow all the guidelines on the website to ensure that you only use someone who has all of their required tests completed and make sure that you are safe at all times.
http://www.free-sperm-donations.com/
Yes, I am still being a complete wimp about injecting myself - despite it being a really easy to use injector-pen, I just can't seem to bring myself to do it. Most people find it very easy, I am told, so it is obviously just me.
I mentioned in a previous note about the costs of this process. It is no small sum, let me tell you, and for some of us it takes a long time to save up only to end in heartache. Each of my Assisted IUI attempts will cost a little over £2000 all in. That includes sperm which is a giant £850 of the total amount.
That in mind, I know some people have found different routes to enable them to have a child. There is no funding for same-sex couples on the NHS, at least not in my area, so people are forced to get creative if they cannot afford to go private.
One website (see link below) offers you a safe and secure way of finding your own sperm donor with just a fraction of the cost. There is a small sign-up fee, then a small monthly fee, but it enables you to search the databases and find donors who are willing to come to your area (usually meeting in a hotel) and donate 'on the spot' so that you are able to artificially inseminate at your optimum time.
Now, this is obviously not going to be for everyone but this does make it possible to have a number of attempts at around 10% of the cost it would take to go private. No wonder so many people, heterosexual couples and gay couples alike, are taking their fertility into their own hands and opting for this service.
If this is something that interests you, however, PLEASE make sure you follow all the guidelines on the website to ensure that you only use someone who has all of their required tests completed and make sure that you are safe at all times.
http://www.free-sperm-donations.com/
Friday, 2 July 2010
Useful links for advice
http://www.askbaby.com/diet-and-fertility.htm
www.fertilityfriends.co.uk
www.thebabycorner.com
www.idreamofbaby.com
There are some really useful websites out there for people who need advice.
The above are just a few you may want to look at. Some are UK based and some American but take your pick.
www.fertilityfriends.co.uk
www.thebabycorner.com
www.idreamofbaby.com
There are some really useful websites out there for people who need advice.
The above are just a few you may want to look at. Some are UK based and some American but take your pick.
Day One
So, 'Day One' has finally arrived. I telephoned the clinic on the first day of my cycle and had to go in for a scan on day two and pick up my hormone injections.
The scan has to be the worst thing. As I said before, no one like a pap smear but having an internal on the second day of your period is beyond uncomfortable and borderline torture. The reason, apparently, is to check that the blood is removing itself properly and that your ovaries and any follicles are all okay. It isn't pleasant but it is quick, I was in and out in under 3 minutes.
Next, I met with a nurse who talked me through my medication and how to use the injections. I will be using Gonal-F for the next week. This is a synthetic hormone that stimulates follicle growth to ensure they reach maturity before ovulation. I have to inject myself in the stomach every other day with 75IUs of the hormone. Sounds worse than it is, to be honest, but I did have to get my partner to inject me because, despite considering myself to be pretty hardened about most things, it turns out that I am completely incapable of putting a needle into myself.
And now I wait. I will keep injecting and waiting for one week and am due back to the clinic on the 8th for a scan to see how we are doing. This may be when they up the meds or it may be that I am right on track and good to go... keep fingers crossed and brazil nuts on hand (they're good for you, apparently).
The scan has to be the worst thing. As I said before, no one like a pap smear but having an internal on the second day of your period is beyond uncomfortable and borderline torture. The reason, apparently, is to check that the blood is removing itself properly and that your ovaries and any follicles are all okay. It isn't pleasant but it is quick, I was in and out in under 3 minutes.
Next, I met with a nurse who talked me through my medication and how to use the injections. I will be using Gonal-F for the next week. This is a synthetic hormone that stimulates follicle growth to ensure they reach maturity before ovulation. I have to inject myself in the stomach every other day with 75IUs of the hormone. Sounds worse than it is, to be honest, but I did have to get my partner to inject me because, despite considering myself to be pretty hardened about most things, it turns out that I am completely incapable of putting a needle into myself.
And now I wait. I will keep injecting and waiting for one week and am due back to the clinic on the 8th for a scan to see how we are doing. This may be when they up the meds or it may be that I am right on track and good to go... keep fingers crossed and brazil nuts on hand (they're good for you, apparently).
Picking the Donor
This is the fun bit. Though, to be honest, it would be a lot more fun if they gave you pictures and CVs. As it is, you get a basic breakdown of physical characteristics; height, weight, eye colour, hair colour, build, skin tone etc. You also get information on career and/or qualifications and a small outline of their 'hobbies'. In short, its a bit like internet dating without the pictures or the need to meet anyone for an uncomfortable conversation over a bowl of pasta.
The clinic will usually ask you to fill in a sheet outlining your basic 'wants' from a donor. These are obviously entirely up to you but they may well fit with what you or your partner look like. The sheet is then passed on the person in charge of their donor database and they go ahead and try to match you with a donor. Most likely they will send you one potential donor at a time for your consideration and ask you to feedback.
The first donor I got sent sounded like Dan Arnold out of the show 'Roseanne'; blonde, blue eyes, 6ft 3, heavy build and a mechanic. I'm sure he is a wonderful man (he must be - to be a donor is no easy task and they do not get financially rewarded for this amazing gift) but I had visions of having to push out a 14lb baby from my, relatively, small frame and panicked. Sorry Dan but I sent you back...
After this we got sent two potential donors. Both were University educated and very similar in build, colourings and interests. The only thing between them, really, was height. To give any potential baby boy every chance in life I went for the tallest guy - well, at least he is a good deal taller than average (which is only 5ft 9 in this country apparently!!! What's that about!?).
And that, basically, is that. Its hard to get too excited about the donor because, of course, you have absolutely no idea what they look like and you can only hope beyond all things that they were blessed with good looks and that they don't resemble a Klingon...
The clinic will usually ask you to fill in a sheet outlining your basic 'wants' from a donor. These are obviously entirely up to you but they may well fit with what you or your partner look like. The sheet is then passed on the person in charge of their donor database and they go ahead and try to match you with a donor. Most likely they will send you one potential donor at a time for your consideration and ask you to feedback.
The first donor I got sent sounded like Dan Arnold out of the show 'Roseanne'; blonde, blue eyes, 6ft 3, heavy build and a mechanic. I'm sure he is a wonderful man (he must be - to be a donor is no easy task and they do not get financially rewarded for this amazing gift) but I had visions of having to push out a 14lb baby from my, relatively, small frame and panicked. Sorry Dan but I sent you back...
After this we got sent two potential donors. Both were University educated and very similar in build, colourings and interests. The only thing between them, really, was height. To give any potential baby boy every chance in life I went for the tallest guy - well, at least he is a good deal taller than average (which is only 5ft 9 in this country apparently!!! What's that about!?).
And that, basically, is that. Its hard to get too excited about the donor because, of course, you have absolutely no idea what they look like and you can only hope beyond all things that they were blessed with good looks and that they don't resemble a Klingon...
Getting the tests done
There is no quick route. It does, and should, take a lot of time and thought to get to the beginning of the conception process so don't expect to turn up at a clinic on the day you ovulate and ask them to load you up straight away!
Most of the tests that you need, and there are many, can be done on the NHS. This can save you a stack of money but it certainly won't save you any time... make sure you allow for a good 3 months to get all your blood tests and up-to-date pap smear done and dusted. I had blood tests lost, pap-smears inconclusive (3 times) and found it took a million times longer than I had planned for. The UK hospital system is a blessed thing but it is also under-staffed, over-worked and choc full of red-tape and delays. Take a good book and get ready for a long wait.
Now, no one likes a smear test but, believe me, you had better get used to internal examinations. I have had my legs in stirrups and my nether regions out more times than I can now remember. Each time it is with a different nurse, for a different reason and each time it is pretty uncomfortable. That said, they are quick and kind and, at the end of the day, you know you are doing it for a good reason.
If you get easily embarrassed or have a particular phobia of speculums - get over it. There is only one way this is going to happen for you, unfortunately, and it is in a busy room with your legs up in the air and a 100 watt lamp lighting the way up and in. No one imagines making a baby could be this much effort, or this clinical, but for us it is all we have and the end result (and I'm hoping I get one) is worth every second.
Most of the tests that you need, and there are many, can be done on the NHS. This can save you a stack of money but it certainly won't save you any time... make sure you allow for a good 3 months to get all your blood tests and up-to-date pap smear done and dusted. I had blood tests lost, pap-smears inconclusive (3 times) and found it took a million times longer than I had planned for. The UK hospital system is a blessed thing but it is also under-staffed, over-worked and choc full of red-tape and delays. Take a good book and get ready for a long wait.
Now, no one likes a smear test but, believe me, you had better get used to internal examinations. I have had my legs in stirrups and my nether regions out more times than I can now remember. Each time it is with a different nurse, for a different reason and each time it is pretty uncomfortable. That said, they are quick and kind and, at the end of the day, you know you are doing it for a good reason.
If you get easily embarrassed or have a particular phobia of speculums - get over it. There is only one way this is going to happen for you, unfortunately, and it is in a busy room with your legs up in the air and a 100 watt lamp lighting the way up and in. No one imagines making a baby could be this much effort, or this clinical, but for us it is all we have and the end result (and I'm hoping I get one) is worth every second.
Finding the right Clinic
Thankfully, I have a lot of really good friends who have gone through this before me. I was recommended a clinic and, after some internet research, decided that it was the place for me.
There is nothing better, after 30+ years on the NHS, than your first visit to a Harley Street clinic. Clean, cool rooms furnished with wide leather sofas and stocked full of mineral water, real coffee, the day's papers and posh magazines that aren't 3 years out of date.
The receptionists, rather than looking shattered from over work and being harassed by patients on a minute-by-minute basis, are young and bright-eyed. They REMEMBER you every time you come. They KNOW what treatment you are there for, who you are there to see and that you might just be feeling a teensy weensy bit scared about the whole thing and that a friendly face and a smile will help. It's amazing.
If you don't feel that from the clinic you pick, then you've probably gone to wrong one. You have to feel comfortable in this space as you're going to spend a lot of time going there and, lets face it, it isn't always going to be happy times.
At mine, the nurses are all lovely and the consultants ooze charisma and professionalism. You know they get paid a hell of a lot of money because they are good at what they do. I certainly wouldn't be happy about handing over thousands of pounds if I didn't believe that (Not that I am that happy about how much it costs in general but that's another matter).
Get the decision about the clinic right and you're half way there. You have to feel relaxed or its race over before the starter pistol fires.
There is nothing better, after 30+ years on the NHS, than your first visit to a Harley Street clinic. Clean, cool rooms furnished with wide leather sofas and stocked full of mineral water, real coffee, the day's papers and posh magazines that aren't 3 years out of date.
The receptionists, rather than looking shattered from over work and being harassed by patients on a minute-by-minute basis, are young and bright-eyed. They REMEMBER you every time you come. They KNOW what treatment you are there for, who you are there to see and that you might just be feeling a teensy weensy bit scared about the whole thing and that a friendly face and a smile will help. It's amazing.
If you don't feel that from the clinic you pick, then you've probably gone to wrong one. You have to feel comfortable in this space as you're going to spend a lot of time going there and, lets face it, it isn't always going to be happy times.
At mine, the nurses are all lovely and the consultants ooze charisma and professionalism. You know they get paid a hell of a lot of money because they are good at what they do. I certainly wouldn't be happy about handing over thousands of pounds if I didn't believe that (Not that I am that happy about how much it costs in general but that's another matter).
Get the decision about the clinic right and you're half way there. You have to feel relaxed or its race over before the starter pistol fires.
The Back-Story
Okay, so to start with it is probably worth giving the background as to WHY I am putting myself through all this in the first place.
Obviously, when you're young, you think that by the time you're 25 you are going to be married, living in a house, maybe have a dog and at least one child... But then you get to 25 and realise that it actually isn't that old and that you'd much rather have a good time in bars and clubs for a few more years before doing anything stupid like settling down and starting a family.
And then, out of the blue, at around the same time, you suddenly realise you may not actually be cut out for the 2.4 kids and the husband. And that, just maybe, you might actually want a wife...
So it began for me. Many years of drama ensued; coming out to all and sundry is a long and thankless task. Parents, whilst they love you, live in a very different world and are not always (if ever) over the moon about having a Lesbian in the family. Worse still their own daughter who they had already picked out wedding venues, a dress, a potential husband and had the ideal family life mapped out long before the said-daughter hit puberty. But they got over it.
It took a little while longer for them to get their heads around the idea of gay marriage, and then longer still to get their heads around the idea of a gay family. But what can you expect from Daily Mail readers from the leafy suburbs?
And that's where I am now. Married, to a wonderful woman, and ready to start a family.
So how the hell does that work!?
Obviously, when you're young, you think that by the time you're 25 you are going to be married, living in a house, maybe have a dog and at least one child... But then you get to 25 and realise that it actually isn't that old and that you'd much rather have a good time in bars and clubs for a few more years before doing anything stupid like settling down and starting a family.
And then, out of the blue, at around the same time, you suddenly realise you may not actually be cut out for the 2.4 kids and the husband. And that, just maybe, you might actually want a wife...
So it began for me. Many years of drama ensued; coming out to all and sundry is a long and thankless task. Parents, whilst they love you, live in a very different world and are not always (if ever) over the moon about having a Lesbian in the family. Worse still their own daughter who they had already picked out wedding venues, a dress, a potential husband and had the ideal family life mapped out long before the said-daughter hit puberty. But they got over it.
It took a little while longer for them to get their heads around the idea of gay marriage, and then longer still to get their heads around the idea of a gay family. But what can you expect from Daily Mail readers from the leafy suburbs?
And that's where I am now. Married, to a wonderful woman, and ready to start a family.
So how the hell does that work!?
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